Geoff in the Gallery: A satirical look at the States sitting of 6 July 2017


As the first day of debate on the findings of the Independent Jersey Care Inquiry progressed, it was striking how many members had been converted to the relative importance of social affairs in Jersey. The real divide in the House now appears to be over the much reported “Jersey Way”, between those who think it’s a good thing and those who think it’s bad.

Sen. Ian Gorst opened with a speech setting out his government’s approach to implementing the recommendations of the Oldham Report. He said that individuals and institutions must be held to account, but if the House was only to apportion blame then their job was not fully done.

After this opening speech, it was Dep. Montfort Tadier’s (St Brelade No. 2) turn to speak. Before he began, however, he killed any gathering momentum by fiddling around trying to open an email on his iPad. Dep. Rod Bryans (St Helier No. 2) read out a list of what the Education Department had done in the past few years to help children. The Constable of St Martin began his speech by admitting that he hadn’t yet read the full report. Andrew Lewis should take note.

Dep. Anne Pryke (Trinity) used four I’s in her speech - “ineffectual, inadequate, inexplicable, inexcusable”. No, not a self-portrait, but the description of Jersey as a substitute parent put forward by Frances Oldham QC. Pryke then referred back to her time as Health and Social Services Minister in 2009 (some members appeared to have forgotten this). Both her and Dep. Mike Higgins (St Helier No. 3 and 4) raised individual cases brought to them and some members did indeed speak movingly.

Sen. Andrew Green read out a freephone number to the House for those who needed support. He accused Higgins of “mudslinging” by making comments in his individual case raised which “he knows are not totally correct” (is this unparliamentary language?). Anyway, Higgins can get away with not being totally correct; just ask the Attorney General.

Green then indulged in a bit of mudslinging of his own, dumping on his predecessors at Health - except for Pryke, who’s excellent work he obviously praised because she was still present in the House. What a creep. Don't turn your back on him Anne...

Dep. Sam Mezec (St Helier No. 2) began by saying how difficult it had been to write a speech for a debate containing so many different strands. He apologised in advance for reading his notes and for being unable to string a sentence together (don’t worry Sam; it never stopped Eddie Noel). The token UK reference this week was again Grenfell Tower. Mezec claimed it was “not an accident”. Dep. Peter McLinton (St Saviour No. 1) always looks uncomfortable sitting next to him.

For a debate “in committee”, there was very little in the way of interventions. However, Sen. Sarah Ferguson and Dep. Steve Luce (St Martin)  took the hump with Mezec over his comments about whether members were trustworthy.

Const. Chris Taylor (St John) stirred next. “Hands up who has a degree in politics?” he asked. One gullible member put their hand up. Most other members were probably using their hands to hold their heads in despair. Taylor said that in 50 years’ time it will be a matter of shame that there are so many unqualified people in the Assembly (surely he means “unelected”?). The fact that Taylor thinks a politics degree makes a good politician tells you all you need to know about him.

The Constable of St John had also taken the hump, but primarily with the Oldham Report’s use of the phrase “local” Constables rather than “parish” Constables. He defended parish hall enquiries for keeping children out of the judicial system (hmmm…) and highlighted the good work done by the parish system in the past. Taylor then went on to tell the enraptured Chamber about how his son had dislocated his elbow at a swimming pool when he was young. He also explained to members the rules of “Crocodiles”, a Taylor family game which his son was injured playing. The point of Taylor’s biography was to prove that the children’s service was keeping an eye on his child after a few accidents which he had suffered but seriously, is there any reason to bring so much unnecessary personal detail into the House? Many members are guilty of this shortcoming. It has the effect of turning parliamentary debates into group therapy.

Dep. Peter McLinton was “saddened” by a lot of attitudes and experiences from his childhood. To mass approbation, he bashed his copy of the report with his fist and criticised the tone of the debate as “like hearing an argument at a funeral”. Oh please. Out of all the Jersey politicians, former media personalities in particular can’t resist this self-indulgent, “why can’t we just all get on?” crap. By its very nature, political debate contains argument. It isn’t a radio phone-in.

Peter Mac helpfully read to members large passages of the UN Convention on the Rights of a Child, as if he were the first person ever to read it, before announcing there should be no more “he said, she said” because “that’s why we got ourselves in this mess in the first place historically.” Actually Peter, it’s because we didn’t do enough “he said, she said” finger pointing in the first place that we are in this position now.

After admitting a grave political error earlier in the week for his 2008 Liberation Day address, Sen. Philip Bailhache gave an equivocal speech expressing reservations as to whether the State was responsible for children. Otherwise, he used his speech to angle for the appointment of an Assistant Minister at Health with responsibility for children (that wet-dream of an executive majority in the House always gets pushed by Sir Phil). Dep. Judy Martin (St Helier No. 1) helpfully reminded the former Bailiff that she had indeed been an Assistant Minister at Health but wasn’t given any powers or responsibility for children to go with it.

Dep. Geoff Southern (St Helier No. 2) used his opportunity to push for tax rises and Dep. Jeremy Macon (St Saviour No. 1) stodged through his favourite subject of procedures. Finally, Dep. Andrew Lewis (St Helier No. 3 and 4) stood to launch his defence to the Inquiry’s finding that he was a liar. The now confirmed political lightweight doubled down on his denial, saying that it was all an issue of “terminology”.

After Lewis had smeared some of the Graham Power mess onto former civil servant Bill Ogley, the Attorney General rose and gave Lewis a pardon. The AG told the House that States members can’t be prosecuted for lying to the House or an Inquiry; therefore, Honest Andy would not be prosecuted. Earlier, the Chief Minister had claimed that individuals and institutions must be held to account. What a pity no one had told the AG.

No investigation into Lewis appears to have taken place, and no reasoning was given by the AG for his decision not to prosecute. Happily for members, the AG has confirmed that they can freely lie under oath in the House or at an inquiry. At least we now know for certain there’s no point believing anything members say.

Whether the Care Inquiry actually changes anything in Jersey remains to be seen. One thing is for sure, it certainly hasn’t changed the States Assembly itself.

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