Geoff in the Gallery: A satirical look at the States sitting of 20 June 2017

 

Like most legislatures, set-piece political events usually bring out the worst in the States Assembly; members, combining the sense of occasion with their own self-worth, believe they must speak in these debates but, in reality, only a few actually have something to say. So it was in this context that members met for an extended session of oral self-indulgence in Tuesday’s Vote of No Confidence debate on Sen. Ian Gorst’s political future (or at least, for his next 11 months).

With temperatures outside topping 30 degrees, a number of members including Dep. Geoff Southern (Reform, St Helier No.2) and Sen. Philip Bailhache opted to wear light suits more appropriately worn in the yacht club or for hunting in the Savannah. However, the only hunting on display had taken place earlier in the morning when Sen. Gorst decided not to accept the resignation of the man he had only recently appointed, Sen. Philip Ozouf, and sacked him instead; a truly courageous effort to take out the main thrust of his opponents’ argument against him.

Despite this, and to avoid resembling the Grand Old Duke of York, Const. Chris Taylor (St John) ploughed on with his proposition, setting out his case against the Chief Minister regardless. But before any political blood pressures could rise in response to the Constable’s case, members were sent out for the customary one-and-a-half hour lunch (does anywhere else outside of France have lunches this long?) and an opportunity to see/step-over the quaint, sparsely populated protest against Gorst in the Royal Square.

Suitably refreshed, and with everyone having forgotten what the debate was about, members returned to hear the Chief Minister mount a spirited, self-immolating defence where he acknowledged his failings by admitting he was not good enough at listening or communicating. Having helpfully highlighted his weaknesses, one might have expected his political opponents to seize the moment, hammering away at them in an attempt to build political support. Instead, it was a procession of Council of Ministers’ members who lined up to stick the boot into their embattled CM. Amongst these, Sen. Alan Maclean agreed that “we all make mistakes” before, in a bizarre abrogation of collective responsibility, he confessed to the Chamber that he didn’t like every decision made by the Chief Minister and his colleagues (such as bringing back Ozouf maybe Alan?). Jersey’s own minister of futility, Sen. Paul Routier, also got up after a sustained bout of note-taking and proceeded to say very little of note, wittering on about children in the community and that last refuge for a local politician who can’t think of anything to say; Brexit. Here, Sen. Routier also chose to embark on a spot of self-flagellation, telling the House about his own decision-making weaknesses in office (but on the plus side, at least you are perceptive Paul).

In opposition, one of the proposers of the debate, Dep. Simon Bree (St Clement) criticised Gorst, as an Englishman, for being responsible for the “Anglicisation of Jersey” and claimed he was “dismantling all that’s unique about Jersey”. He then made his own pitch for Gorst’s job, showing the House how clever he was by quoting a lot of famously quotable people; from Abraham Lincoln to Cicero via Edmund Burke (twice). Even Dep. Judy Martin (St Helier No. 1), sat next to the hapless wannabe CM, managed to crack a smile at yet another quote following the second reference to the father of modern conservatism. (Abraham Lincoln's Gettysburg address was famously short in length but long on content; a sentiment which some States members will hopefully aspire to in future.)

Once Bree had finished going through the best bits of everybody else’s speeches, Dep. Rod Bryans (St Helier No. 2) stood up and, like the previous speaker, also referred to Abraham Lincoln (clearly he's an icon amongst bearded deputies), this time favourably comparing the 19^th century president, statesman and noted orator who held a divided United States together to the present Chief Minister of Jersey. After members had passed the sick bucket around, Sen. Sarah Ferguson continued in her role as a one-woman crowd dispersal unit, during which fellow septuagenarian Sen. Bailhache appeared to be asleep.

Mercifully, Dep. Murray Norton (St Brelade No. 1) told the Chamber at the outset that he was going to keep his speech short. He began by criticising a speech he wasn’t present in the Chamber for (Bree’s), choosing to interpret his Englishman Gorst comments as an anti-immigrant attack. Norton reminded members that he was an immigrant, before saying how it was wrong for the St Clement Deputy to bring immigration into the debate and how Jersey was an island of immigrants who should all be welcomed. With this spectacular piece of virtue-signalling now complete, Norton proceeded to speak for the rest of his self-allotted two-and-a-half minutes by first delivering his own back-handed compliment to the Chief Minister, describing him as “well-meaning”, before telling his fellow members how the public are “sick of us talking about ourselves”. This statement was met with enthusiastic nodding from behind by Norton’s colleague in the unofficial Media Personalities’ Party, Dep. Peter McLinton (St Saviour No. 1).

More moral outrage towards Bree came from the Constable of the famously cosmopolitan, diverse parish of St Mary, who also felt she should tell the House just how welcome immigrants are in Jersey. Others, meanwhile, felt they would make better use of their moment in the spotlight to serenade the Chief Minister by saying how great he was (most notably Sen. Andrew Green).

In the end, sometime around 8 pm, a vote was taken and predictably the no-confidence motion was defeated by 34 votes to 13. Gorst kept his job, his ministers kept their jobs - apart from Ozouf who he'd already sacked – and after almost seven hours of political indigestion, the proposers hadn't gained any more support for their cause than they'd had at the beginning of the day. But with temperatures above 30 degrees outside, it's reassuring to know that honourable members weren’t feeling left out and had managed to create their own hot air inside the Chamber...